Life

Fuck Your Trauma

/ hsoi

Yes, fuck your trauma. My sympathy for your suffering, whether that suffering was real or imaginary, ended when you demanded I change my life to avoid bringing up your bad memories. You don’t seem to have figured this out, but there is no “I must never be reminded of a negative experience” expectation in any culture anywhere on earth.

If your psyche is so fragile you fall apart when someone inadvertently reminds you of “trauma”, especially if that trauma consisted of you overreacting to a self-interpreted racial slur, you need therapy. You belong on a psychiatrist’s couch, not in college dictating what the rest of society can’t do, say or think. Get your own head right before you start trying to run other people’s lives. If you expect everyone around you to cater to your neurosis, forever, you’re what I’d call a “failure at life”. And you’re doomed to perpetual disappointment.

Yes, you should read the whole thing.

And then, learn to come to terms with it. Learn to deal with your hardships and overcome them by you becoming a better, stronger person (and get help if you need it); not by expecting the world to cater to your neurosis.

Look at truly successful people in life – by whatever definition of “success” you wish to use. None of them achieved success by letting hardship get the best of them. They experienced pain, difficulty, obstacles, and probably a lot of vile shit from people and the world around them. Instead of getting upset about it, they got motivated and made themselves better. They didn’t expect the world to cater to them, they understood that change starts with the self and so that’s where they effected change. The result? Their success.

But hey, if you want to fail at life, that’s your choice. It’s not mine.

Lessons in Perseverance and Patience

/ hsoi / 4 Comments

Youngest and I went deer hunting again.

When we tried about 2 weeks ago, the hunt was not successful. However, a lot of good things came from it. Best of all, it just meant we had to go out to the field again, spend more time with each other again bonding and building memories. Gee, horrible thing. 😉

And so, we set out again.

We started pretty much the same way: waking up at a very early hour, rolling to the property, setting up and sitting down. We set up in the same place as before, because I know deer show up in that area.

Well, they’re supposed to.

The Morning

We spent 4 hours in the stand… with nothing. I mean, it was deader than last time. The most exciting thing was a bird landed on a bush in front of the stand, and we saw it poop. Yeah… that was the highlight of the morning.

After our patience and bladders reached their breaking point, we got out of the stand, headed up to the house, and relaxed a bit. Had made prior arrangements to have lunch with a friend (Deputy Rudolph), so let him know that we were ready to go. Well, since he was on duty and working, I expected a little wait in case he was dealing with something. Sure enough he was. So we waited a bit, then headed up to Elm Creek Cafe, only to find out it was closed on Mondays. Rearranged plans, went into the town of Giddings. Alas, Deputy Rudolph hadn’t even started the work detail he was on, so there was more waiting. Eventually he finished and was on his way, but then got stuck at a railroad crossing. It took him a while before he showed up. Meantime, we sat in the truck, in the parking lot of the restaurant, and watched many people arrive, enter, eat, then leave… while we continued to sit. I’m not mad at things, not his fault for the timing of it all. But… it was just another case of waiting, and waiting. Still, lunch was really good and it was great to see him. We had a long lunch, talking about all manner of things, including Youngest getting to learn a little about the realities of police work.

The Return

After lunch, we headed back to the ranch. Karl had suggested we could pass some time by taking one of his .22’s and going squirrel hunting. I’ve never done that, and Youngest was hip to the idea. But it was pretty clear he was hip to it because 1. we had seen lots of squirrels, 2. it seemed to him like his best chance to get SOMETHING.

But it wasn’t to be.

As soon as we pulled into the ranch, a very nice doe ran literally right in front of my truck in the big pasture. ARGH! I didn’t bring my rifle because I have this thing about leaving valuables in the car, and I didn’t even just leave it in the house… no… I had locked it up in the safe. I ran into the house, opened the safe, grabbed the rifle, then ran back out to the pasture. I figured the doe might slow down once she hit the treeline.

We hoofed it through the double-gates into the pasture. As I reached the end of the first fenceline I looked north to scan down by the fence and treeline there towards the stock tank. Sure enough, I saw her right there at the fence about 200 yards away. I rested the rifle on the big corner fence post and as I was finding her in the scope a huge RUMBLE scared her off. Seems the fence repairs guys were out at the far south end of the property, probably what flushed her out in the first place, and as he started up his truck engine it scared her off. Damnit. We hoofed it through the pasture down to the gate, to circle around the stock tank – maybe she was just inside the woods, maybe at the water. Alas, nothing. We headed back to the house to properly prep. I decided to go ahead and just sit in the stand because hey… deer are there, and we certainly have no chance at one if we’re not in the stand.

The Afternoon

Yes, we got into the stand early, probably earlier than truly needed. But you just can’t know when the deer will be out, and if we’re going to sit around and wait, might as well wait in the stand.

And… the boredom sunk in again. Making it worse, a good lunch digesting, unseasonable warmth (it got into the low 70’s), and facing west with the afternoon sun coming into the blind onto our dark-colored clothing… and yeah, we were both nodding off.

But here’s one change we made.

While sitting in the morning, I kept looking at the lay of the land. We weren’t in the best spot. Yes, it was a good spot from a “being camouflaged and blending in” perspective, but we couldn’t see all that we needed to see.

Here’s a map:

This morning (and all hunts prior), we set up around the the green dot. This was at a high point, altitude-wise, and gave very good sight north and south, which game cameras and observation of deer movement told us this strip was very productive. This was also a nice spot because it was up in a clump of bushes and trees so you blended in pretty well. But notice, all you can really see is north and south.

On prior hunts I had scanned the area looking for other positions, but nothing really gave us as good a vantage point. Sure better camouflage, but worse sight lines. I always looked at it tho from a perspective of “remaining hidden”.

This afternoon tho, I said screw it. Well, I actually said that after we finished up in the morning and before we went to lunch I moved the blind a bit north. The blind was totally out in the open, but we had a MUCH better vantage point on all fronts. To the south, it wasn’t as good as we had before, but it was quite adequate because if a deer was blocked by that tree/bush clump, it would just be a matter of time before they moved out. To the north, we were slightly higher and saw northward much better. But the most significant was to the west, as you can see by the red arrow.

I started to have a feeling that the deer were moving but NOT along the normal trail. Too open? Smelled us? the winds were coming from the south, so any deer to our north (normal movement pattern was starting north and moving south) obviously would smell us. Who knows why, but I just got a feeling that given all things I had observed and considered, they were moving, just behind the trees.

My hunch paid off.

My Mistakes

Around 5 PM I see a doe poke her head out from behind the trees, basically where the red arrow ends. She starts walking right towards us.

Of course, I get all excited! Youngest knew to be still, move slow. He watched over my shoulder (he was sitting behind me in the blind; got to know the back of my head really well). But me? My heart was racing, my breathing was deep, and I was just all worked up. Not even so much because it was a deer and finally our opportunity, but because man… I really wanted this for Youngest.

There is nothing wrong with making a kid learn to wait. But there’s a balance to be had, because if all they ever get is waiting then they may well lose interest and all is lost. I really wanted Youngest to finally have his chance to see how everything goes down. I was really worked up and I guess nervous and stressed that this is it… but we might lose this chance…

And so, I rushed it.

The shot was NOT steady. I knew it wasn’t. But I was too afraid to miss the chance.

Well, I missed the deer.

From how she ran off, the lack of any subsequent noise, I knew I had flat out missed.

And I was angry with myself. Angry because I rushed it. Angry because I risked taking an unethical shot. Angry because I may have lost our sole opportunity. Angry for so many reasons. And I made sure to vocalize it to Youngest, not that it was his fault or anything, but I’ve never been anything but honest with my kids and even them seeing that “even Dad” can screw up, I think is important. That we’re human too, and here’s how to deal with it, y’know?

Still, I told him that we wait, because if she’s dead she’s dead, and if not well… sometimes they come back.

Sure enough, she did. About 5-10 minutes later she poked her head out of the same spot. I got her in my sights, perfect broadside shot. But this time I told myself to take another deep breath and steady myself. As I did that, her head shot up, major alert position, and she bolted. I swear I never have seen a deer turn tail and just sprint away so quickly.

Damnit #2.

It was interesting to show to Youngest how sometimes you have to wait, but if you wait too long, the opportunity could be lost. It’s truly a strange game and balancing act.

I slumped back in my chair.

Then… we heard snorting.

There was another deer stamping feet and snorting hard at us. If you look at the map, there’s a clump of trees/bushes between the red and yellow lines, close to the red dot. The deer was just behind that clump. No ability to get a shot, but you could see the deer easily being mad, snorting, fading back a bit, but not heading off. I figured to bring the rifle up and be ready because if she was there, likely she was going to emerge somewhere. I had Youngest watch her movements to see if he could pick up on direction — he was doing really well tracking her movements through the scrub, so I told him to let me know if she was going north or south.

North.

And then, she stuck her head out from behind the trees, about at the end of the yellow arrow. She was quartering towards me and just standing there. I was steady, slow smooth press, and that was that. Youngest watched the whole thing, saw her jump, reported that her front leg “swung around like Jell-O”, and that was pretty clear that between what I saw in the scope and what he saw, that she was taken cleanly. She ran about 50 yards to the yellow dot, and we found her under a tree.

Biology Lesson

Now began the next phase: cleaning and processing. 🙂

Of course, I did most of the work here, but Youngest helped. He helped me put her on the back of the truck, helped by holding her when it was needed to keep her steady. He’d keep the truck bed lights running and other things I needed.

And he got quite a lesson in how the body works, seeing it all up close. He didn’t want to touch any internals, but he did of course hold the body, feel the warmth, and well… it gains you a big respect for life.

He got to see how the organs are hooked up and how things work. He did also see how the organs can easily be stopped. He saw the entry would, the exit wound, and what a bullet can do. I could tell it was a sobering moment for him, which is good. Respect for such things is important, and Hollywood will never teach you that respect – only direct experience can.

We processed a fair amount of meat. As you can see from the picture, she was a nice-sized Central Texas whitetail doe. I was surprised at the meat I was able to trim off her, because yeah… we waste nothing. All the edible meat I could trim I kept. Everything else was left to feed the coyotes and the vultures, because they need to eat too. The ground was nourished by nutrient-rich blood. Really, it’s how nature works, that whole “circle of life” thing.

Youngest learned a lot.

Lessons Learned

One thing Youngest struggles with is being patient, so I think this whole thing was a big lesson to him about being patient. And how patience will pay off.

It also teaches about perseverance, because we had to keep trying. When he wanted to zone out and stop scanning for deer, I’d tell him to keep working because you never know. One moment you see nothing, then it’s like the deer appears out of nowhere. Sure enough he saw that.

He wanted to rush out and find the deer after my first shot, but I told him not to because they’ll often come back. Sure enough they did, you just had to wait.

Oh, there were so many things learned. Little things, big things. From what might have been an insignificant moment, to the overarching issues of “waiting”. There’s just so much to gain here, I can’t detail it all.

Often times the bigger things you get out of life come from the work, not the end achieved. I will be curious to see how 5-10-20 years from now he will look back on this time and how it perhaps affected him. I hope it will be great things.

For me? I’m still not fully sure all that I was to take from this experience, but I can tell you one thing.

After I missed the shot, then missed the opportunity, I was so down on myself. But then after we took the deer, just before we left the stand Youngest stood up and put his arm around me and said, “See Dad? Don’t be mad at yourself. It all works out.” Yeah… I choked up a bit. That was money, right there. 🙂

We had a great adventure. Oldest and Daughter always have pretty straightforward hunting experiences. This time with Youngest was unique, and even his siblings recognize how cool it was. Even tho he didn’t take the deer, it was still his first time for the experience. I think he’s hooked. I don’t consider this “my deer”, I consider it “our deer”, because I know I couldn’t have done it without him. Thanx, son.

React vs. Respond

/ hsoi

Seth Godin makes an excellent point:

We can react or respond, as my friend Zig used to say. When we react to a medicine, that’s a bad thing. When we respond, it’s working.

When the world dumps something at our door, we can take the shortcut and allow ourselves to react. We can point out that whatever we do is happening because the other side deserved it. Tantrums are okay, in this analysis, because the other guy made us.

Or we can respond. With something that works. With an approach we’re proud of, proud of even after the moment has passed. It’s not easy, it’s often not fun, but it’s the professional’s choice.

There are many ways this can apply to your life.

In some regard it’s semantics, but semantics can be important because they affect your mindset and how you will approach problems in life.

Sometimes we have to react, but it seems better to start thinking about how to respond.

Life’s better, when you focus on the good things

/ hsoi / 4 Comments

Yesterday I went deer hunting with Youngest. He got to learn why it’s “hunting” not “bagging” because we came home with nothing.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. We came home with a bunch of great experiences and memories.

It wasn’t until maybe a year ago that Youngest expressed any interest in hunting. But since he did, I’ve been trying to make it happen. Finally, thanks to the generosity of a friend, I had an opportunity to take him out. Now, I’m doing the actual hunting and work here as Youngest doesn’t feel ready to do anything other than observe. But he wants to see what it’s all about.

We set off at an early hour. I swear I’ve never seen this kid so happy to wake up, not to mention wake up at 3:30 am! Obviously excited, and we set off. Over the hour drive there was much talking, asking and answering of questions, and getting ready for things. We get there, we set up the blind, and then we sit and wait.

I made it clear that there are no guarantees. That we could sit and wait and be bored out of our skulls, and have nothing to bring home. So he was prepared for that. Still, I really wanted to be able to bag a doe, as it was his first time out; it’d just help him see a lot of it all.

Alas, we saw almost nothing. We saw 3 does when we parked the truck, and we saw a very immature buck. That’s all we saw in our hours sitting out there. We even got tired of sitting and went on a stalk hunt for a while. Alas, nothing. It was very quiet.

But in that is where we were able to experience some neat things.

I told him that it is a little boring, but that’s ok. Take in what’s around you. There will be sounds, there will be things to see. Watching the sun come up itself is really cool. You never know what you might experience.

We saw movement behind some trees and thought “maybe a deer?” No… it wound up being a feral (house)cat. It was rather cute, and actually spotted us and stalked us for a while. 🙂

We got to see a hawk. Numerous other birds. This one squirrel had no idea about us and was hopping straight at us — that was mighty cute.

But the coolest thing?

We heard a woodpecker. We found him atop a telephone/power pole that was maybe 50-60 yards from us. We thought he was rather large, but didn’t think much of it. We watch him for a long time.

Then he took flight.

GEEZ! He was huge! I mean, for a woodpecker. Imagine a really large crow. He was a big dude! We kept watching him when he landed on another tree, then eventually lost track of him. But it was quite cool. We didn’t realize how cool until we got home.

We determined it was a Pileated Woodpecker.

Here’s a video of one, which is a pretty good shot of what they look AND sound like:

What made this extraordinary is they are an East Texas bird. To find them where we were is a rare occurrence!

Frankly, that made our day! 🙂  We’ve spent more time talking and learning about the woodpecker than anything else.

And you see, that’s really what it was all about.

It’s about having time together, building memories, and doing fun things. Heck, the fact we didn’t take a deer? Just means we have to go out again — gee, darn the luck! Which means another opportunity have time together, build more memories, and do more fun things.

So you see, we could focus on what we don’t have – a deer in the freezer. But life is so much better because we focus on what we do have. 🙂

 

Things holding you back

/ hsoi

I hate to admit it, but I’ve held myself back a lot in life. And now, a lot of life has passed me by, but at least I’ve gotten over holding myself back. But perhaps I wouldn’t be so driven now if I hadn’t held myself back before, having the anger and regret of what I missed to motivate me to not make that same mistake again.

While Paul Carter writes about “The things that are going to hold you back in training” from an exercise/powerlifting/weightlifting/gym perspective, the issues here really apply to anything life. Even if you don’t lift (bro), you should still give the article a read because:

  • Information overload
  • Conflicting goals
  • Inability to embrace discomfort
  • Success
  • Confidence
  • Inconsistency
  • Listening to the wrong people
  • Life

… hopefully you can see those eight things apply universally as things that can and do hold people — probably yourself — back.

The one that speaks most to me these days is “inability to embrace discomfort”.

I had to embrace something I wasn’t really comfortable doing in order to get to where I needed to be.

And THAT is what lifting and life is going to be about sometimes. I could machine gun off a million cliche’s about that right now but I will spare you. The point is, nothing that is worth attaining will come easy. If it does, good for you. However 99.99% of the time getting to a place you desire to be will mean spending a lot of time embracing discomfort.

[…]

Great things generally just don’t fall on our doorstep via UPS.  If you want to find your own personal greatness, then get comfortable with being uncomfortable.  The amount of discomfort you are willing to submit yourself to is generally in parallel with the amount of greatness you’re trying to attain.

Lifting weights has taught me much in life. While I’ve lifted on and off since I was a teenager, never has it been as profound in my life as the past 3.5 years. If I wanted to get stronger, I had to embrace the discomfort of heavy weights on my back, the fear of getting pinned or injury. Or just the simple hard work that has to come, because getting stronger isn’t easy. But I’ve learned to embrace it, and I’m getting stronger as a result.

Or more immediate is my fat-loss effort. I’m down 20 lbs. in just under 3 months. It’s not been easy, and just about every day contains some level of discomfort. Lord it’d be so much easier right now to eat a tub of ice cream, but that ice cream is what created my tub. I have to go through this discomfort. I know there are many more months ahead of this discomfort (probably at least 6 more), but I will never achieve my goals if I don’t go through this discomfort. And yes, what makes it easier to manage is to embrace it instead of fighting it. No it doesn’t make it any more enjoyable, but when you know the pain will bring your greatness, the pain is easier to bear.

I think about my recent career change to having my own business, basically going indie/freelancer making my own products and taking on contract work. I put it off for too many years because I didn’t want the discomfort for myself or my family. But the discomfort of not doing it became greater, and so here I am. And yes, the startup of it all has been quite a struggle, filled with daily discomfort that I never imagined. But that’s what keeps it exciting, and that’s what causes me to learn and grow. It’s like the scene in the movie Parenthood when Steve Martin’s character finally learns to embrace the rollercoaster.

That’s not the ending scene, but it’s the seed for the allusion. And grandma’s right:

You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn’t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

About the OODA Loop

/ hsoi

In matters of personal defense, we often speak of the OODA Loop. Of course, the OODA Loop has applicability to life in general, but for many people the first time they hear about it is in some class teaching personal defense.

BTW, while it’s common to refer to it as the “oo-dah loop”, Massad Ayoob made it clear back in my MAG-20 class that the creator of the OODA Loop – John Boyd – referred to it as the “Oh-Oh-Dee-Ay Loop”.

Pronunciation aside, The Art of Manliness wrote a rather in-depth piece on the OODA Loop. If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, or know about it but appreciate some deeper knowledge of a topic, give it a read.

Lights and sleep

/ hsoi

I didn’t set out to read about light colors and sleep cycles, but as of late it seems my news feeds and newsletters are full of articles on the topic.

A big one going around is how light color – blue light – affects our sleep cycles in a negative way, due to our addiction to our mobile devices and doing things like Facebooking on our iPhone in bed before going to sleep.  Basically, light isn’t “white”, it does have color, or more specifically, a color temperature. Ever notice how some lights are more yellow-ish and some are more blue-ish? Choosing the right color temperature for your lighting matters. You’d probably want more blue-ish in places like an office or a kitchen, and more yellow-ish in your bedroom. Blue-ish corresponds more to natural daylight, and yellow-ish less-so (think sunset colors). So given that, can you see how blue-ish light is more associated with mid-day, being awake, doing things? And yellow-ish more associated with end of the day, going to sleep, and not doing things?

And so, with our mobile devices emitting more of a blue-ish light, that signals our brains to “be awake”, which isn’t the best thing to do right before bed. So more and more studies are coming out on this topic, and there’s a growing “best practice” that you should stop using the computer and your mobile devices at least an hour before bed. While color temperature is nothing new to me, I hadn’t thought about the effects from my mobile devices. For the past few weeks I’ve been working to keep my mobile device use to a minimum after supper, and if I really want to do something in bed, read a book (not an eBook).

I also found a really neat free app called f.lux. Basically, it knows your location, when sunrise and sunset will be, and automatically adjusts the color temperature of your monitor accordingly. As I write this article, it’s before sunrise and f.lux is giving my monitor a slightly yellow/orange/pink hue. As the day progresses, it will slowly change. I’m still getting used to it, still tweaking the settings, but so far I’m digging it.

Another thing you should consider? Monitor calibration. Two things here.

First, mind your brightness setting. Open any sort of window on your computer that allows you to have the full screen filled with a white window. You want to strike a brightness setting between the window still looking white (not a dull gray color) but not so bright that it winds up being a light source in your room.  I also use my Mac’s auto-adjustment of the brightness setting, but only after I’ve configured the base brightness setting.

Second, after setting the brightness, set the color calibration. If you have a Mac go to Apple Menu -> System Preferences -> Displays -> Color. Even tho Apple ships a default Display Profile, you should still click the “Calibrate” button to calibrate your monitor in your room lighting to your eyes. After calibrating, flip back and forth between the default calibration and your calibration. Chances are good things will look better with your custom calibration.

Don’t be afraid to readjust settings. Your eyes will need some time to adjust and get used to the new setup, and you may find after a few days of less eye strain that you can fine-tune your settings for even better effect.

Bottom line? Less eye strain, less wear and mental exhaustion by the end of the work day, and better sleep. Something we can all use, and it only takes a few minutes of adjusting that thing you stare at for hours on end every day. Little changes add up.

One month down – looking back

/ hsoi

So it’s been a month (more or less) since I entered the world of self-employment.

I still don’t know how to officially classify myself. Am I a consultant? A freelancer?  Am I an indie(pendent) software developer? Am I self-employed? Or am I really a full-time employee of Hsoi Enterprises LLC? Sometimes it’s easier to say one thing to people, but then no matter what I say, there’s always explanation. Then when there are forms to fill out, sometimes it feels like saying one thing is more appropriate, then sometimes it’s another. Or like filling out a medical form in the insurance part, I have medical insurance, but I pay for it out of my own pocket (oye!); but the form asks for “employer” assuming the medical plan comes via your employer (which it might, eventually).  But whatever and however I actually classify myself….

The key factor is… was this a wise decision? 🙂

I still don’t know. Ask me again in a few months. But so far, I’m saying “yes”.

Income of course isn’t steady nor what it was when I had that regular semi-monthly paycheck. That’s taken some adjustment and getting used to. There’s a different rhythm now. I used to pay bills at a certain time, and pay certain bills at certain times, dictated by when the paycheck came in. But now? Doesn’t matter… just pay the thing because there’s no juggling. More importantly, don’t FORGET to pay the thing, because the semi-monthly rhythm isn’t there. I am living off savings for now, and it won’t last forever. But work is underway to remedy this… it will just take time.

My mental, physical, and emotional health is improving. No question I’m getting more sleep. I’m still struggling to find a daily groove, but I think something is settling in. For the past 2 years I went to bed around 8pm and woke up around 3am. That wasn’t my choice, that was the evolution. Going to the gym is a morning thing, so I needed to allot time for that. Then there was the hell of commute traffic, which was a key factor to avoid because 1. I hate it, 2. sitting in traffic and commuting is a massive waste of precious time, IMHO. So I structured life to minimize traffic, which meant being out the door by 6:25am (yes, you had to be out before 6:30 because the rest of the world aimed for 6:30; get just 5 minutes ahead of the rest of the world and it makes a big difference — a rule that can be generalized to the rest of life). And so with all of that adding up, it pushed me to a 3am wake up.

I’m still getting up early, because I still like going to the gym early, when it’s empty. Prior to the gym (4+ years ago), I stayed on a fairly natural clock with the sunrise and such. But now? I find myself wanting to sleep in but forcing myself to get up somewhat early, because of my desire to get to the gym when it’s empty. This is something I am undecided on — to try to keep to a semi-strict schedule, or to just ignore it, wake when I do, and then go to the gym regardless of time. But at least, I’m not intentionally waking at 3am, and no more alarm clock for sure. That’s huge.

I nap a lot. That’s been immeasurable in benefit. I knew my plantar fasciitis just needed time and rest to go away; today, I might feel a little stiff when I wake up, but that’s about it. Huzzah!

I am happier. I’m able to focus on my work, not having to struggle to find time here and there for the projects that I enjoy. I released an update to PanemQuotidianum, I’m almost ready to release a long-overdue update to the DR Performance Practice Deck for iOS (and yes, more is planned beyond this update). I’m still doing contract work for Bar-Z Adventures (the prior day job). I’ve got a solid project of a new app on deck (and I’m very excited to start work on it). And I’m talking with various groups about other future projects. So… not bad. Just gotta turn this work into income. 😉

Being home has been wonderful. I can tell you the past month has been good for everyone in the household. Family is vital to me, and this has been wonderful.

Of course, it’s not all good. Not a single day has gone by where I didn’t do some work. Most days are working a lot, tho I break the work day up; maybe there’s a nap after lunch, then I can start work in the afternoon far more refreshed (vs. having to be locked-down for 9 hours straight, that’s hardly productive). I’ll also work in the evening, reading, researching, or testing on the iPad while lying in bed. Work is fairly perpetual. But I’m OK with this. I think I’ve only had 1 day that I might classify as a “day off”, but I was out at the KR Training facility helping Oldest care for the grounds (mowing, painting steel, etc.). It wasn’t a total day off because I did work for Bar-Z a little bit, but I chalk it up as a day off since I did spend a few hours shooting, and the overall majority of the day was spent not doing Hsoi Enterprises work.

And that… is something I have to mind. Every day that I keep going, that I keep slinging code, is a day I get deeper into it. It becomes harder to emerge from it, which can be bad when there are things to do. Chores around the house, bills to pay, Wife to go on a date with. So I have to be mindful. Before I officially started this, I happened to listen to a RayWenderlich.com podcast (ep. 5) about life as an indie developer. The guest spoke about how he tried to keep to a M-F 9-5 work schedule, because it was far too easy to have life become work otherwise. I understand that from my prior 12 years working from home. But yet, it’s totally different when it’s YOUR baby and there’s no guarantee of a paycheck unless you’re slinging code. Plus, when you’re so in love with the work you’re doing, when the ideas and thinking keeps going, you don’t want to stop. Interestingly, I’ve started to look at the clock in terms of “billable hours” and every hour, every 15 minutes, start to feel a different sort of value and pressure. Probably not healthy, but a number of my in-laws have run their own businesses and have told me you get over that in time. 🙂

Reminds me… my truck needs an oil change, and I think the rear differential gearbox has a small leak. Hopefully that will just require a new gasket.

So yes, I’m still working to find balance. Still working to find my groove.

But overall? Things are good. I do not regret the decision. I feel overall happier and healthier, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’m excited about the work I’m doing, and the business I’m trying to build. I sometimes wish there were two of me (so the other one could handle the boring stuff, like accounting, sales, marketing, contracts, paperwork, etc.). But it’s one heck of an experience.

For the record, I lean towards “Indie Software Developer”… it sounds cool. 🙂

Do you know what a “Livestock Guardian Dog” is? Let Sasha explain…

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My dog, Sasha, is a Kuvasz.

More cute than intimidating (for now…)

The Kuvasz is a breed classified as a Livestock Guardian Dog, or LGD for short.

Often when we discuss this breed or LGDs, people think about herding dogs like Border Collies. No, LGDs aren’t there to herd, they’re there to protect the herd. They aren’t guard dogs either, in the commonly understood sense, like a Doberman, but still they are guards and guardians. They are something unique, but not well-known.

Cody & Liesl Lockhart of the Candll Lamb & Cattle Co. provide a great introduction and understanding of what LGDs are and their role.

[vimeo 60354527]

Here in Central Texas, I see a lot of farms with a “guard donkey” in the paddock, but not too many with LGDs. I have seen a few, and I think it’s a wise notion because of what a strong pack of “sheepdogs” can bring to the table in terms of keeping your stock safe.

Via the Kuvasz Fanciers FB page, I read a great 3-part series on LGDs by Mother Earth News:

  1. Part 1 – a general introduction to LGD’s
  2. Part 2 – discussion of some of the breeds
  3. Part 3 – more breeds

An important take-home is that all LGDs are not the same. As example, when people ask about Sasha we tell them she’s a Kuvasz. Most people are unfamiliar with the breed, so we explain it as “you know what a Great Pyrenees is? Similar.” We do that because Pyrs are fairly well-known, and they are similar: both big white fuzzy dogs, both LGDs. But once you get to know them, they are different. Pyrs tend to stay more with the flock and focus on the ground. Kuvasz are more perimeter dogs and will watch the sky. We see this constantly with Sasha, ensuring a secure perimeter, and ensuring those birds (especially the big vultures) keep away from the house.

LGDs are serious dogs that require serious commitment on the part of the owner. They must have a job, they must be allowed to do their job. This is not a dog you can keep in a crate or alone in the house/apartment for 8-10 hours a day, then hang out with after work. Many people get an LGD breed not understanding what the breed is, and after they realize the strong commitment and work required, give up the dog (always a sad thing). These dogs are not Labs or Beagles, they aren’t a typical “family dog”. But if you can provide what they need over their entire life, they’ll give you something wonderful in return.

If you know anything about me, you could label me a “sheepdog” (in the Lt. Grossman sense of the word). It stands to reason I’d have a dog that embodies the same qualities.

Time to do my own thing

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Today, I step out to be on my own.

I’m leaving the world of W-2 employment to become a full-time independent software developer. I’m making Hsoi Enterprises my full-time gig.

I’m excited, happy, and yes, scared. But very much looking forward to this.

Why am I doing this?

I’ve primarily worked for someone else all my life. But for over 20 years I’ve done side-project work to help scratch my own itches. Four years ago I got more formal with it when I founded Hsoi Enterprises LLC. So I’ve always been semi-indie, and one could say today’s event is just the next step in the evolution. But certainly my primary income came from being a salaried employee in someone else’s company.

There’s multiple reasons why I’m doing this. I’ll share two: one business, one personal.

My Own Road

Every good work of software starts by scratching a developer’s personal itch.
– Eric S. Raymond

I like to create useful, meaningful software that enriches and improves people’s lives. Throughout my career, things I’ve done on my own usually happened because I had an itch to scratch, a need to satisfy. The best software always is the software that the developers themselves use regularly. But often, the direction of a product is pushed by people that don’t use the software, or care more about selling the software than about the use of and users of that software – this often leads to less than good software (and the users are left unsatisfied). Long ago I came to terms about the balance between “good” and “good enough”, the need to ship even if it’s not perfect because we need to make money to keep the lights on in our ivory tower so we can keep working towards “good” (thanx, Doug!). So I grant all the realities of business. But by the same token, I firmly believe if one writes excellent software, it pays off greater dividends in the long run. This is not only in the form of revenue, but also in reputation and goodwill. Conversely, if one keeps shipping shoddy software, if users are constantly frustrated and hate your product, that just isn’t a solid business model.

I’m tired of compromising on this front. I know you can make good products, have happy customers, and still make money. Look at Apple, which is probably why I’ve been an Mac and iOS guy all my life but also why I believe you can have gorgeous, user-satisfying products, good reputation, and succeed. Look at Liberty Bottleworks. Look at EliteFTS. No, you cannot please everyone, nor should you try. But you can ensure you please yourself, that you hold yourself to high standards, and work to build a solid reputation with satisfied customers.

I want to make awesome software. I want to make more useful things. I want to make people’s lives better. And I won’t get to where I want to be unless I travel my own road.

My Family – Along for the Ride

[I] do not believe in quality time but quantity time. I do thinking creating great memories is important but not as much as “being there”. Because of this I work a lot of strange and odd hours.

– Dave Tate, owner EliteFTS, talking about his kids and who he is

When I was growing up, my Dad wasn’t around much. It was just due to the nature of his job, and his dedication to it. As a kid, I resented this because while it was nice to have money and nice stuff, what I really wanted was my Dad. So of course I did what all kids do regarding their parental shortcomings: swear to do better when I’m a parent! For me, that meant being around for my kids. (BTW, I got over my resentment many many years ago, because I came to understand Dad much better as I got older… but a story for another time).

Early on in my professional software development career, I saw how this was a job that could be worked remotely. This is not a job that requires being on-site; yes there are benefits to being on-site, but it’s not a hard-and-fast requirement. I also saw how due to this fact, you could have a bit of a non-standard life (I’m looking at you, Robin Mair and Greg Dow). This greatly appealed to me, and I set about making full-time remote/telework a hard-requirement for any job I took in the future.

Due to that dedication and focus, I was able to spend 12 years working full-time out of my house. One way I can sum it up is that when Oldest took his first steps, I learned about it via a phone call from Wife. When Daughter took her first steps, I got a phone call. But when Youngest took his first steps, it was right to me because I was home. 🙂 Over those 12 years, I got to be deeply involved with my family on a daily, even hourly, basis. That’s precious to me.

People keep bringing up those death-bed regrets, and no one says they wished they worked more, that they wished they had less time with their family.

See, much of life tends to boil down to two things: time and money. I can always get more money, but I can not get more time. Time is the more precious of the two.

After the 12 years at home, I took a job in an office. I spent 2 years there. It was an educational experience in many regards, and I’m happy I went back for the experience because I learned much from the good and from the bad. But the biggest thing I took from it was that that was not the life for me. The precious time wasted being stuck in traffic every day. The orchestration of life around a time-clock and someone else’s notion of what “productive” meant. It just wasn’t working for me. This isn’t a slight against any employer in specific, it’s regarding that sort of life in general. It is not for me and does not enable me to best satisfy myself and provide for my family that which is most important — me.

Working at home gives me the ability to be around my family all day every day (helped in part because we homeschool). Yes, some people think, as a result of our work/school situation, we live an insular lifestyle. No, we just are a tight family. This work setup, the ability to have a more flexible work schedule, allows me to provide my children what I believe is right and best for them, including mentorship as they embark on their own business ventures. What’s funny to me is I’ve thought about having daily “stand-up meetings” with the family. Yes Dad, your daily asking of “Son, what did you do today that was productive?” has come full circle. 🙂

Yes I know. The life I’m leaving is the life many of us live with. Understand this is a personal preference for the road I wish to journey down. I have friends who prefer working in an office; it’s just not my preference. I have friends that consider commuting to be a useful endeavor; I don’t. I know what my priorities are in life, what I want out of the life I have left on this Earth, including what I wish to provide for my family, and well… tho I’m scared and have no idea how this will work out, I’m closing my eyes and taking the plunge.

What’s Ahead

For the immediate future, it’s about getting established. I have infrastructure to firm up.

I already have some projects to work on, and I actually will  be contracting back with my (now) former day-job for a time and helping them find a replacement for me and transition to that replacement person. For the record, I am thankful for the support and mentorship I’ve received from Lee and Carrie Little, founders and owners of Bar-Z Adventures.

If you or someone (some company) you know is looking for a solid software developer, drop me a line. 🙂

Meantime, I forge ahead. I don’t know how this will work out, and honestly while there’s much about this situation that I’ve done before, there’s much that’s new and novel — I don’t know how it will go, or even if it will wind up being the right road for me to travel. But still, I look forward to the challenges, to the new experiences, and the hope for the life I wish for myself and my family. If nothing else, it’ll be an interesting experience, and I’m thankful for the opportunity.