My old friend Matt has some rambling about parenthood. His kids just experienced some pretty crappy things here and here, and like any good Dad it really got to him.
He makes a good point, about being consistent:
The biggest piece of advice I can share about being a father is this. Be friends with your partner, always put up a united front, don’t contradict each other, and have a PLAN. So many problems are caused because Spouse 1 thinks B is okay, and Spouse 2 thinks they must be smoking crack because 1 should know that 2 doesn’t think that and so on and then the fight happens in front of the kids, etc.
I certainly agree that consistency is key. Kids like stability. While they may push the boundaries, they actually do prefer limits and bounds, and they only push because they are trying to find them. Once they find them, they may continue to push to try to see if that really is where the bounds are or maybe they just hit you on a particular day. This is where being consistent comes in. If you (and your spouse) are consistent in where the boundaries are drawn, eventually kiddo will learn where the line is and won’t cross it… at least for now. Yes they may try to push it again at some other time, especially as they are growing up and changing. As well, the boundaries have to change at some point because the bounds for a 2-year old are not the same as for a 12-year old; that gets to be particularly challenging when you’re raising a few kids spread apart in ages and the youngest sees how the oldest “gets away with more” and it’s just another bit of toughness, but you have to deal with it — they can’t be treated the same in all things in all ways.
I would, however, like to take it further than consistency. I mean, being consistently crappy isn’t that ideal either. Matt recounts:
I was at the store tonight and the guy behind me was just letting his 3-5 yr old son scream his bloody head off. And just smiled and shrugged his shoulders.
I recall one day at Chick-Fil-A. The entire restaurant got to meet “Alexandra”.
“Alexandra, stop running around.”
“Alexandra, you need to stop running around… come back here… Alexandra, you need to come back here now. Alexandra? Alexandra!”
“OK, if you don’t come back here and sit still you’re not going to get your toy. Did you hear me? Alexandra, Mommy said if you don’t come back here now you’re not getting your toy. I mean it.”
“OK, if you’re not going to behave we’re going to leave. Alexandra? I told you. OK, I’m going to count to three then we’re going to leave. One… Two…. Alexandra, if I get to three we’re going to leave. Alexandra… Three. OK, we’re leaving, good bye.”
“Alexandra, I told you that we were leaving. OK, thank you for agreeing to behave.”
About 5 seconds go by.
“Alexandra, you need to sit down. I told you….”
And it went on something like this for who knows how long. I am not remembering it verbatim, but that’s basically how it went on, and on, and on, with Mommy calling to Alexandra, threatening, threatening more, not following through with the threats, begging, pleading, and so on. I don’t fault the child, I fault the parent. Yes, this parent was consistent — consistently crappy — and that’s why I say pure consistency isn’t enough. What needs to also be there are firm boundaries. If you make a threat, you must follow through with it (so don’t make one unless you can and will follow-through). And dare I use the word, but you also need discipline; you read that right, YOU need discipline. If you have discipline, it will become imparted upon the child. Part of that discipline? Acting like the parent. You should not be begging and pleading with your child. If your child is acting like a little shit, you need to put them in their place immediately, not asking them to behave, you need to make them behave. I see way too much these days of parents asking and begging and pleading with children, which says the parent is not in control but rather the child is. That’s bass-ackwards folks. Be the parent, be the adult.
So Matt’s got a good point and consistency is key. I just take it a bit futher (and I think Matt would as well).
Stuff From Hsoi 
Good point and you’re right. The consistency point was more along the lines of a united front not only with your partner, but in similar situations down the road. That’s where I see a lot of problems with today’s parents and understand that in a lot of ways, I’m light years ahead.
I saw it a lot in teaching martial arts. “Why does my son listen to you?” was the most common comment. Why? Because I don’t let him get away with petty bullshit like you do lady. I don’t let a 7 yr old hit me or tell me I’m an asshole. SEVEN!!! Calling his mother an asshole. Mad parenting skillz.
Oh I totall agree about the consistency, because without that none of the other stuff will matter…. one parent can be the ideal parent, but if other parent is far less than ideal the kid will eventually learn to always go to other parent… which then will eventually lead to some martial tension and so on. It’s never good.
And I hear you about the martial arts comment… “Taylor, please don’t throw rocks at Mommy… Mommy doesn’t *ouch* Mommy doesn’t appreciate it when you *ouch* throw rocks at her. Taylor, Mommy asked you nicely *ouch* to please stop throwing rocks at Mommy.” Self-fulfilling behavior.