Via SayUncle I come to a blog article from Katie Allison Granju. She thinks about how the world was just 25 years ago, and then how it is today. She asks:
So here is the question: what is different between my childhood, only 25 years ago, and the ones my kids have today that makes us so much more afraid of guns in particular? I don’t know the answer to this question, but something HAS changed.
I posted the following comment to her blog, since she asked for her reader’s thoughts:
A few days ago we took the kids out for ice cream. Went to the Baskin Robbins near our house.
When we were walking in, a man was sitting outside on one of the benches. We’ve seen this man before inside the BK; we believe he is the owner of the store; at least the manager, but probably the owner given what we’ve seen. We nodded and smiled and said “hello” on our way in. He smiled and said “hello” back. And we continued into the store.
Each kiddo got a single scoop on a cone, then we all went outside to sit on one of the benches, enjoy the evening, and eat our ice cream.
Within 2 seconds of her starting to lick her ice cream, Daughter’s scoop departed the cone and landed on the ground. *DOH*
We just told her to pick it up, throw it in the trash, and we’d go inside and buy her another scoop.
As we were doing this, the gentleman (owner?) spoke up. He saw what happened and told us to go back inside, get another scoop, and to tell the girls behind the counter that he said to just give us the scoop. Free.
That was unnecessary, but kind and generous. We thanked him, and spent time with our kids talking about such generous acts. Sure you could say this was just good for business, and certainly it does make us regard him and his business more positively and makes us want to go back to his store. But the man did not have to do this. That he did was a little bit of kindness, and it shows that it takes almost no effort and no expense to be good to others.
Little things mean a lot.
How serendipitous!
A bunch of things finally came together and today I introduced (at least my older 2) children to Magic: The Gathering.
I started playing M:TG in grad school. When I first arrived, I met a couple guys in the department and was immediately invited to an evening at their apartment where they introduced me to the game. This would have been when The Dark expansion pack was out. I remember that because I thought that expansion was really cool and I only wish I knew the game better at that point as I would have bought a lot more expansions of that set. 🙂 I played while I was in grad school through Revised Edition, Fourth Edition, The Dark, Fallen Empires, Homelands, Ice Age, Chronicles, and into Alliances. After leaving grad school however, I had no one to play with (Wife tried, just not her thing) and the cards ended up in the closet… hoping that one day I’d get to play them again. Or sell them and make a lot of money. 😉 And while most people kept wanting me to sell them, it was always my hope that I could actually play again because I did enjoy the game so much.
Just a few weeks ago, Linoge had a posting about the game, which brought back so many memories. As well, since M:TG’s explosion in popularity years ago, collectible card games became quite the thing. I’d say the most successful other has been Pokémon. While I tried to dodge that bullet for years, eventually my kids got into it (I think due to one Christmas with my nephews some years back). I never was that upset about it, as I always figured if they liked one collectible card game they might like another! Often our kids would get together with other kids and out would come the binders of Pokémon cards… sometimes tho I felt like they cared more about collecting than playing, but I eventually did see the kids play the game. Then one day, at the birthday part of one of Oldest’s friends and I see a lot of the other boys there with cards… and not just any, but M:TG cards! Certainly recent editions, but it was M:TG and it was cool to see kids were still into it. I think that sowed a seed back in Oldest’s head.
Then the serendipitous thing was last night. My good friend W is about to move out of Texas 😦 and in the midst of packing he and his wife are trying to get rid of things they don’t want to pack and/or move. One thing was a couple big boxes of W’s old Magic cards! He sold off all the cards worth money, but that’s OK as this is about playing, not money. He gave me a lot of cards, and his cards were heavy from Alliances and Ice Age, some Chronicles and other sets from around that time. My oldest 2 kids immediately were curious about “the cards” I was taking home, so last night when I got home I pulled out a rulebook, refreshed myself on it, and introduced older 2 kids to it today. Gave them a quick overview of the rules, then we played a game.
When I was introduced to the game, the way we played was the experienced players made some decks and let the newbies play with the new decks. We would play the games open-handed, so every player’s hand was face-up on the table. This allowed no surprises and many chances for instruction. We’d play games this way until the newbies felt comfortable, then we’d move to close-hand games and normal gameplay would commence. So this is what I did with my kiddos today, playing an open-hand game with some decks I had made… decks that I made probably 13-14 years ago, still in their boxes, waiting for the day when someone would play with them again.
I’m so happy that day finally came. 🙂
The kids enjoyed it, especially Daughter. I did my best to keep things moving and keep the action high, despite the slower nature of an instructional game (lots of pausing to explain things). I also did what I could to sow the seed in Oldest’s head that he’d want to check this out… before he went to bed last night I was flipping through the cards and came across Orcish Conscripts (click the link, see the card). I knew Oldest would enjoy the humor of the artwork, and even now he’s still asking me to see more Orc cards because well… Orc cards have a lot of humor in them. Whatever works, if it keeps them interested and wanting to play.
Of course, I’ve got tons of cards between mine and the ones W gave me, so I don’t expect we’ll be buying any time soon. Besides, after reading Linoge’s post all the new rules, other things to keep up with, bleah. I’ll worry about that later. I’m sure once the kids are well-versed I’ll want to do some sealed decks, and that will mean new cards, but that’s fine. I look forward to it.
Happy day for me.
Had a nice Independence Day weekend with the in-laws.
Up at the father&mother-in-law abode, they have a “tank” — basically, a pond. When they expanded its size about 4 years ago, they stocked it with some fish. My kids have been on a fishing kick lately, so they wanted to go fishing and fishing they got. Actually, this was more “catching” than it was “fishing”, but still great! Oldest caught a catfish and 2 largemouth bass. Daughter caught a catfish. Youngest caught a catfish and a couple bluegill. All the keepers were about 2-3# in size, bass were 14-16″ and catfish 19-21″. Kept 5 total fish, and some were thrown back. It was a big learning experience for Youngest because he’d get some fight on his line then the fish would throw the hook… Youngest got upset about it, but he has to learn that sometimes that’s what happens. A few minutes later it even happened to me and Youngest saw it (just a few feet from shore, and Youngest even got to see the fish throwing the hook) — see? even happens to Daddy!
Nevertheless, a good time catching fish. Brought them back up to the house and I learned that my fish cleaning skills are still with me. I haven’t cleaned a fish since I was a teenager (either haven’t fished or have only fished catch-and-release), but I still got it. We’re going to have some fried catfish and bass for lunch today.
After that, went to my brother-in-law’s place. Kiddos got to swim. Ate good food. Fireworks too. Since we live in the city (Austin only allows things like sparklers and snakes) and typically have burn bans, we don’t get much for fireworks. But my brother-in-law had no such issues so they bought all sorts of things. Kids got to shoot some stuff off, see some rather big shells going off. It was quite cool for them to finally get to experience fireworks beyond the little dinky things that we might get to do on occasion.
It was a hot, tiring, weekend. But ever such a good one. Family’s important. Spend time with them. I don’t often hear people saying “gosh, I wish I spent more time at work” but often you’ll hear that folks wished they spent more time with their kids and family.
Anyway, I’ve got some fish to fry.
Older two children begin a week of summer camp today. Should be a fun and exhausting experience. 🙂
We’ve recently started up with 4-H and so far it’s working out to be a good fit for our family. We’re still ramping up with the program, but so far so good. This is a “fishing camp”, so the kids will get to go fishing every day of the week at spots around town. That’s been my big problem with fishing around here is I don’t have a boat and most fishing around here is boat-oriented. So if the kids end up learning a bunch of good bank-fishing spots in town and techniques for fishing them, that’ll be awesome and we can take further advantage of that on our own later on.
Linoge made a comment on my posting “I’m not so sure about that“. As I wrote a reply I realized that what I had to say warranted a full-on blog posting. So here it is.
Wife and I have chosen to homeschool our kids. Why? Numerous reasons, but the key ones are the public school system sucks and we’re not rolling in enough dough to consider private school. I went to public schools all my life, Wife was in private Catholic schools. While I think my public school experience wasn’t too bad, I have heard from old friends with younger siblings how the same top-notch schools we went to have degraded. Due to things like “No Child Left Behind” concerns are less on true education and more on test scores. I know all too well how you can get an “A” on a test and walk out of the classroom knowing nothing (no cheating involved, it’s just about working/gaming the test and not on gaining true education and knowledge). So when Oldest was an infant and we started to think about our schooling choices, homeschooling wasn’t something we had ever thought about but the more we researched the option the more it appealed to us. Every year we reevaluate our options and approach because the bottom line is we want the best for our children and if situations change and there’s a better avenue, we’ll take it. So far no better avenue has surfaced and we continue to homeschool our children.
Of course, whenever you mention the word “homeschooling” to someone, the Pavlovian response is “But what about socialization?”. The “S” word. Socialization takes on a different meaning these days and frankly that’s socialization we can do without. And certainly homeschoolers can be a little bitter about the FAQs we’re constantly hit with. But if there is one thing I’m well aware of it is that my children can be sheltered due to homeschooling. Since they are not surrounded by those of their age group for 8 hours a day every day, there’s no question my children don’t receive the “socialization” that kids attending public or private school receive. In part that is one reason for homeschooling, because we can exert more control and influence over our children, who they are exposed to, what influences them. Remember that not all influences are good ones, and even with our controls our kids still get exposed to bad ones (Oldest had a bully situation at a summer camp last year). But I know that my job with my children is to provide them with the skills and knowledge that enables them to not just survive but thrive in the world. My children are only spending a short time with me; most of their life and time is going to be spent as an adult in the real world, so they need to know how to work with the real world — which includes knowing how the real world is, good and bad and ugly. To truly shelter my children is not doing them any sort of service.
I admit that you shouldn’t expose your children to all things, or at least that you have to be mindful of when and how to expose them. There is something about making things age-appropriate and ensuring the child has the maturity and capability to understand and handle what you’re doing. Let’s take guns as an example. There’s not much reason to introduce an infant to guns, but as soon as infant is able to be mobile (about 6 months, crawling stage), you as a responsible parent and gun owner must take steps to secure your firearms because that infant will get into everything and knows nothing and no amount of attempting to teach them about guns is going to help. As your child gets older and can understand what guns are about, even if they cannot fathom death, it can be reasonable to start to introduce things to them. For instance, if you’re watching cartoons and Bugs Bunny puts his carrot into the muzzle-end of Elmer Fudd’s shotgun and Elmer just gets a blackened face, it’s worthwhile to start explaining to your child the difference between fantasy and reality. Then when you think your child is able to handle more regarding guns, you can expose them as you wish. Look at Kathy Jackson’s articles on Kids and Guns for some excellent writings on the topic. If nothing else, and certainly when kids are at a younger age, you should introduce them to Eddie Eagle. His message of “Stop. Don’t touch. Leave the area. Tell an adult.” teaches nothing about gun handling, but a lot about keeping kids safe if they encounter a gun.
Do my children know about guns? Certainly. I make guns no mystery to them, and frankly this has caused them to think of guns as rather mundane with little appeal. I think that’s a good thing as there’s no forbidden fruit syndrome to make guns enticing. Do I care about teaching them defensive uses of firearms? No, not at this point. Right now I just teach them safety rules, marksmanship, fundamentals, and most of all to just have fun. Sometimes if something comes up, sure I’ll discuss it, but it’s not hypercritical at this point to give them intensive defensive handgunning 101. But basic ways to stay safe? Sure. Things like the InSights ABC’s (Always Be Cool). To be aware of surroundings and trust your gut. And certainly other more specific things get taught, just not some intensive course like I might enjoy taking. The reality is that shit happens, and if the shit happens to my kids I want to ensure they’re able to return home. The thought of not being able to hold and hug my child is most unappealing to me, and it’s my duty and responsibility as a parent to ensure they have every skill and bit of knowledge possible to ensure their success in life.
I don’t live my life in fear, and I do my best to encourage my children to do the same. Yes they have fears, but I teach them true ways of being empowered to conquer those fears. Allow and accept the fears to happen, face them, let them pass over and through you, learn to control them, and channel them to your advantage. I remember when my kids first climbed a ladder and they’d only go up a few steps, but then the day came when they climbed to the top and gleefully shouted “Dad look! I did it!” Small thing perhaps, but the lesson is they were afraid of the height, of the new experience, but they didn’t let the fear stop them and in the end they conquered their fear. This has enabled Oldest to enjoy having the upper bunk-bed; how life is better when you don’t live in fear, eh?
You only have so much time and so much energy in life, why expend it on fear? How much life can you enjoy? Fear is what leads to sheltering, and while I won’t say it’s not justified, if you’re always stuck in the shelter you never get to see the sun and all the beauty that comes from it.
Via Robb Allen I learn about Rebecca and her feelings on guns.
I won’t be harsh here, just wish to provide some perspective.
First, I applaud her for being up front and honest about her feelings. It’s evident she’s got some fear regarding guns, and given how she describes the city in which she lives (including her husband being the victim of a carjacking), I can certainly understand how and why she’s formed the opinion she has. What I wish to provide her with is some perspective on her feelings.
Many of [my son] Archer’s friends at school carry X-Men lunchboxes, wear Spiderman shoes, Batman T-shirts. Archer doesn’t know who Spiderman is. Or Superman. Or Wolverine. Or any comic book superheroes. The only television he sees is peaceful. I turn the television off when there’s a preview for a show that involves violence of any kind.
Recently I’ve been wondering if this constitutes as sheltering.
Oh my God, am I sheltering him?
Am I?
Since you asked, yes you are (and this is coming from a homeschooling father — supposedly us homeschoolers are all about sheltering and overprotectiveness). Now, this isn’t to say you have to participate in what you consider violent activities. But the reality is the violence is around us; the world is violent, always has been and at least in our lifetimes will continue to be so. To shelter your child now is going to cause him to have an unrealistic perspective on the state of the real world. That isn’t to say you cannot shape your child’s understanding and response to violence, and this isn’t to say you cannot make his exposure to the world age-appropriate, just don’t deny to your child that violence is out there. As parents we need to give our children the tools they need to survive and thrive in the world, which includes giving them the knowledge of how the world really is and how to better deal with it.
Consider the analogy of the sheep, the wolf, and the sheepdog. Teach your child to be a sheepdog.
…yet when it comes to guns, to violence, I can’t do it. I can’t talk about guns or weapons without feeling sick and sad, even fearful.
So goes my paradox: I’m afraid that by educating my child I will scare him. I will scare myself.
Your honesty is refreshing and actually takes some courage to admit. In this context of guns, consider looking at something like Eddie Eagle. Eddie Eagle is a friendly and fun way to get a serious message across, a message I believe is bare minimum knowledge required to keep children safe regarding firearms (the alternative is ignorance, and that’s certainly a recipe for disaster). The Eddie Eagle video can be viewed for free online, so take a few minutes and check it out yourself.
Using gun as defense seldom works to defend. Guns used as offensive weapons? Different story.
It’s interesting to note that the two blog postings I made this morning prior to this one, here and here, were both stories where a gun was used to defend. There are many many others every day.
Do I carry a gun in my house? Never. Do I believe in the right to bear arms? Yes. But I believe there should be stricter regulations. I believe that fear is the worst possible reason to carry a weapon and therefor will never understand why so many feel the need to “protect their families,” especially when housed in gated communities in middle-class suburbs, alarms activated.
No gun in the house? Well, Midnight Rider was happy he was carrying his inside his home. And if you don’t understand why, why not make the effort to learn why some of us carry. Rebecca, I used to be in the exact same boat as you — that’s why your story really hits home with me, because I know exactly where you are coming from. I realized it was a fanstay world, full of my idealistic view of the world and how I wanted it to be and thought it should be, instead of how it is. That isn’t to say I’ve given up on the dreams of such an ideal world, but I do better if I first accept the reality of the world that I want to improve.
Guns are far more likely to kill innocent people than criminals when kept inside the home. Period.
No, sorry. The data doesn’t back that up.
That being said, am I being naive to think I can shelter my son from fear by keeping violence away from his eyes? Perhaps. Is it important to teach gun safety to people of all ages? Yes. Will I be teaching my child how to properly use a weapon? No. Because I don’t believe he should know how to kill.
Does your child know how to push something? Then he knows how to kill. Push someone out into traffic. Push someone out of a tree. Push someone off a ledge or out a window. He knows how to kill. The difference is putting things into context. You teach your child to use pushing for good things: pushing his sibling on the swing, pushing and holding the door open for others, pushing a broom to help mommy clean up. When your child uses things for good, you reward that good; when the child uses things for bad, you punish that behavior. Guns can be used for bad things, no question, but we don’t punish the gun (it’s just plastic and steel, springs and levers) we punish the person. Guns can also be used for good things, and it doesn’t have to involve killing… it could involve preserving his and your life.
To keep a handgun in one’s house insinuates, in my opinion, a certain amount of fear, which is why guns are so scary.
If you ever have a desire to conquer your fears instead of letting them control your life, I am a teacher and would be happy to teach you what I know.
There will never be a happily ever after story involving guns because guns were invented with the sole intent to take life.
Ask Mr. Firby. I’m sure he’s happy. His gun helped him preserve his life.
For me, it all comes down to fear and teaching our children to resist it as much as they possibly can. I will be educating my children to live peaceful lives. To love and respect and stand up for themselves in ways that are empowering.
That’s commendable and I teach my children the same. I will say I used to think violence was never an answer. Now I know that sometimes violence is the only answer. I prefer to make it the last resort, but when some punk is willing to take your life for $5, all the pretty empowering words one wishes to use just won’t matter.
Put it this way. Your child picks up a stick and whacks someone with it. Chances are you’ll punish your child for doing so, and that’s most reasonable. Now let’s say you’re on the playground. Some big kid comes up and starts to push your child around. Your child asks the big kid to stop and leave him alone. The big kid keeps pushing. Your child escalates, continuing to be diplomatic, the big kid doesn’t stop either but escalates. So your child escalates, begging, pleading, and so on, but it just eggs the bully on. Your child tries to run away, but the kid is bigger and has no problem catching him. Now your child is getting messed up pretty bad, the big kid’s pushing, taunting, punching, and kicking is really taking a toll, so your child picks up a stick and whacks the bully something fierce and the bully stops his assault. Are you going to punish your child for defending himself, and using an inanimate object to do so? Furthermore consider that once a bully knows your child can easily be victimized, the bully will continue to do so (bullies, like most criminals, like easy targets). Once the bully knows he can’t mess with your child, your child will be bullied no more.
Again, Rebecca, I do understand where you are coming from, more than you know. I just had to give up that way of being because I realized it wasn’t realistic and I wasn’t doing a service to my children to raise them that way.
My old friend Matt has some rambling about parenthood. His kids just experienced some pretty crappy things here and here, and like any good Dad it really got to him.
He makes a good point, about being consistent:
The biggest piece of advice I can share about being a father is this. Be friends with your partner, always put up a united front, don’t contradict each other, and have a PLAN. So many problems are caused because Spouse 1 thinks B is okay, and Spouse 2 thinks they must be smoking crack because 1 should know that 2 doesn’t think that and so on and then the fight happens in front of the kids, etc.
I certainly agree that consistency is key. Kids like stability. While they may push the boundaries, they actually do prefer limits and bounds, and they only push because they are trying to find them. Once they find them, they may continue to push to try to see if that really is where the bounds are or maybe they just hit you on a particular day. This is where being consistent comes in. If you (and your spouse) are consistent in where the boundaries are drawn, eventually kiddo will learn where the line is and won’t cross it… at least for now. Yes they may try to push it again at some other time, especially as they are growing up and changing. As well, the boundaries have to change at some point because the bounds for a 2-year old are not the same as for a 12-year old; that gets to be particularly challenging when you’re raising a few kids spread apart in ages and the youngest sees how the oldest “gets away with more” and it’s just another bit of toughness, but you have to deal with it — they can’t be treated the same in all things in all ways.
I would, however, like to take it further than consistency. I mean, being consistently crappy isn’t that ideal either. Matt recounts:
I was at the store tonight and the guy behind me was just letting his 3-5 yr old son scream his bloody head off. And just smiled and shrugged his shoulders.
I recall one day at Chick-Fil-A. The entire restaurant got to meet “Alexandra”.
“Alexandra, stop running around.”
“Alexandra, you need to stop running around… come back here… Alexandra, you need to come back here now. Alexandra? Alexandra!”
“OK, if you don’t come back here and sit still you’re not going to get your toy. Did you hear me? Alexandra, Mommy said if you don’t come back here now you’re not getting your toy. I mean it.”
“OK, if you’re not going to behave we’re going to leave. Alexandra? I told you. OK, I’m going to count to three then we’re going to leave. One… Two…. Alexandra, if I get to three we’re going to leave. Alexandra… Three. OK, we’re leaving, good bye.”
“Alexandra, I told you that we were leaving. OK, thank you for agreeing to behave.”
About 5 seconds go by.
“Alexandra, you need to sit down. I told you….”
And it went on something like this for who knows how long. I am not remembering it verbatim, but that’s basically how it went on, and on, and on, with Mommy calling to Alexandra, threatening, threatening more, not following through with the threats, begging, pleading, and so on. I don’t fault the child, I fault the parent. Yes, this parent was consistent — consistently crappy — and that’s why I say pure consistency isn’t enough. What needs to also be there are firm boundaries. If you make a threat, you must follow through with it (so don’t make one unless you can and will follow-through). And dare I use the word, but you also need discipline; you read that right, YOU need discipline. If you have discipline, it will become imparted upon the child. Part of that discipline? Acting like the parent. You should not be begging and pleading with your child. If your child is acting like a little shit, you need to put them in their place immediately, not asking them to behave, you need to make them behave. I see way too much these days of parents asking and begging and pleading with children, which says the parent is not in control but rather the child is. That’s bass-ackwards folks. Be the parent, be the adult.
So Matt’s got a good point and consistency is key. I just take it a bit futher (and I think Matt would as well).
Just got back from seeing Pixar’s “Up”.
Stuff From Hsoi 