I will not break.

If I break, it’s my own damn fault.

I have been strained. I mean let’s be real… I might be biggest and strongest I’ve ever been, but muscles are one thing – the mind, the heart, the soul, they are another.

I am older. I am tired. I just can’t – and won’t – put up with as much bullshit, consternation, and drama. And simply enough, I have only so much energy to expend (less than I had when I was a younger man). It’s part of why I made the day job switch, because it was draining me.

I’ve come close to my literal breaking point a few times. I don’t like it. I wouldn’t recommend it. Still, it has happened, and it may well happen again.

I work to strengthen and build my body. I need to work to strengthen my mind and soul just the same. They have been neglected.

When I did my 100 Day Challenge, I was a better me. And I wanted to ensure I kept up my effort with: read, “yoga”, workout, eating (being less fat) because it’s a good thing. 

I continue to struggle with it. I guess it’s day 458?

I haven’t read much

I have studied new things due to the primary day job change. But reading The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry was something (and I’ve been thankful. Daughter is reading it now at my recommendation. I need to re-read it.) I just finished Brian Slagel’s 2nd book. So that’s something.

As I looked at my shelves, I realized something. I’ve been mostly a non-fiction person in my life. My books reflect that: firearms, lifting weights, programming, some old college texts, martial arts, business and management, leadership, Harry Potter. I mean, it’s good, but I realize that NOW when I read, I want it a little less for strict education and more… not sure how to phrase it. I want to just read, enjoy things from the world. Could be fiction, could be just good non-fiction like maybe a biography or I dunno. Often my reading/book selections are because I’m trying to learn something or improve something. Here… I just want to enjoy, to soak it in. I don’t want it to be heavy and involve engaging my brain because right now I need something that helps me disengage. I mean, reading a good biography I’m sure will spur some thinking, some inspiration… that’s cool. It’s then at least pontificating about something different than my dailies, y’know?

I did clean and rearrange my desk this past weekend (more below). I opted to remove the pile of books because well, why let it be a pile on my desk? Keep the desk clear, put the books in the bookcases – it’s why I bought them. I can go back to it later. I think I need to go to the store and branch out… biography does sound like a good idea of a place to start.

Yoga

Flat flail. I have a Reminder. It pops up on my phone and computers. I just clear it and don’t do it. Why the fuck am I doing that to myself? I sit all fucking day, and it’s killing me. I have started recently standing more, but still you can stand and have shitty posture too. I am trying to keep one cue in mind: “put my shoulder blades into my back hip pockets”. I also noticed some months ago I started to bounce my feet/knees again… that’s not a good sign. I need to catch myself and just… stop doing it. I did that a number of times while writing this up…  I must do these every day. Even just crucifix stretch like 3-5 times.

One thing I need to do is update my primary work environment/desk/computer setup. When we moved I used that as an opportunity to pick up an UpLift desk. But I still held to the laptop primary and external monitor as secondary – legacy and inertia reasons. This is killing me, because the laptop camera vs. room lighting vs. heights vs. typing… it’s too much stuff that’s not… good, especially for posture. So over the weekend I finally redid some things putting my secondary monitor on the arm, floating way out there, a hint below and angled upwards (hits my progressives just right, keeps my head at a mostly neutral but slightly downward angle). Can put arms and desk height a little lower. Camera should arrive soon. I’m just starting to play, will see where I land in terms of setup and equipment, but this should be a good step for my posture.

Need a stool…

Workout

Hitting the gym is life. I lift to maintain my sanity… not improve it, just keep it from being sucked down. It’s all because this is the one true and only thing I have in life that is purely for me (well, Mrs. Hsoi likes the big pecs, which is awesome; but I don’t do it for her, I am doing this for me and her liking it is a wonderful and welcome side-effect).

Dry fire tho? Same Reminder problem – I just keep clearing it. Why the fuck am I doing that to myself? My wrist is still beat up. I was thinking “let’s try shooting my P365 again”, and I still should… but I got down and up from the floor the other day, wrist reminded me it existed. So… I dunno. Still, I dug the LCR .22 thing. I just need to keep doing it so I can actually get as proficient as I can with it. I picked up a second one to lower the barrier of excuses for skipping dry practice.

Eating

Well, I’m still fat. I need to unfuck my diet – my longest and biggest struggle. I see what I need to do, it’s putting it in motion: because time in a day. Hrm. I am working to not get fatter, yet still properly support my day, life, workouts, etc. But yeah…  I have thought about using a meal-prep service or something (ready-made meals, basically). It’s a time situation still for both me and the Mrs. If that’s what it takes, given the totality of my operating context, then ok I guess… So I am going to look at various prep options, because I struggle due to “delivery” issues; if I can work on those, let’s see how it affects.

I’m wanting to finish up a heavy 3rd week at the gym, then reset my training so I play the psychological games with myself… and start anew.

My fault

So yeah… what’s happened is I’ve given up control of my life to outside forces, because they demand so much and I’m a giver. That’s never good for me to give up that control. I of course need to serve numerous outside forces, but I need to be better controlling that flow – it’s (supposed to be) mine to manage. And that means even simple and small things like hitting a crucifix stretch 3-5 times a day. Or sitting with less shitty posture and not bouncing my leg. Or reworking my office for a better environment.

I can also clear things off my TODO list. In fact, I did that just this past weekend. Nothing like writing down a list of things to do, checking them off, and seeing a big list of completed stuff at the end of the day.

Anyways, I need to stop sucking. It’s on me.